A Klutz And Her Tortured Toes

I went to my fitness center last night and had a pretty good workout. I used this elliptical that more mimics running through six inches of snow as opposed to the elliptical that mimics cross country skiing. I have never used the particular machine and it has actually made me a little sore in the thighs and buttocks. But what really got me occurred after I returned home. As is my practice, I immediately took off my shoes and headed to the refrigerator for a glass of orange juice; only I never quite made it there. En route, I accidentally kicked the leg on my coffee table with my bare foot and the pain sent me immediately to the floor. After regaining my senses, I very nervously, very hesitantly looked down to my left foot. The little toe was at a right angle to the foot. It was pretty ugly.

After a minute or so, a kind of numbness took the place of the pain, and I managed to hoist myself up on a chair. I could not tell if the toe was broken or dislocated, but the toe itself looked okay, just aimed in the wrong direction. I very gingerly pushed the toe back into what looked to be its proper position, I then hobbled to the “everything” drawer in the kitchen and found some masking tape. I very carefully lashed the little toe to the larger toe next to it. When I had finished that painful task, I stood up to see how it felt. It hurt, but it was less than a debilitating pain. I concluded that I had done the best I could do, and I applauded myself for being so gutsy.

I then went to my secondary doctor -otherwise known as the internet- for additional opinions concerning the treatment of a toe sent wayward by brute trauma. It seemed that I had done just about all that could be done. Unlike a finger, for example, dislocated toes do not necessarily have to be x-rayed and set precisely. I'm guessing that is because a toe's function is not as exacting when compared to that of a finger. As of now, 20 hours after my accident, I feel minimal pain, and am able to walk with only a modest limp.

For a couple of years that foot has been the home of two ugly toenails that are thick, whitish, and generally pretty gnarly. Needless to say; I do not flaunt them. Best I can discern from past internet researches; it is a condition brought on by a deep-seated fungus that cannot be reached by topical medications. Yes I know; there is nothing quite so alluring as a deep-seated fungus.

Anyway, I’m going to put a positive spin on my plight and figure that 70% of my toes are still healthy. But obviously I am a klutz, so that 70% figure could drop at any time.