I have not felt like writing in my goofball blog for a while, but I feel like I need to write this entry.
A few days ago Robin Williams died. He committed suicide.
Essentially, he died from various psychological afflictions, specifically
clinical depression and its cousin; clinical anxiety. These illnesses are not
fatal on their own. They kill the afflicted via suicide.
A lot of people suffer from these disorders. I know one
personally. In fact, she is typing this sentence. I first experienced clinical anxiety about eight years ago. It was a panic attack that lasted about forty-five minutes; forty-five minutes of living in a nightmare. I have suffered from these attacks many times since. The good part is; I now know what they are and I know that in less than an hour they will pass.
The anxiety has taken other forms too. I hate to talk about such things because they sound so bizarre, but I will talk of them anyway. For about a month I had problems with any kind of heights. If I stood on a second floor balcony, the anxiety would kick-in and my heart would start to race. Even after I got away from the physical cause, the anxiety would stay with me for sometimes hours. Another time, a year or so later, I had trouble driving over about 25 MPH. I would go 30 and I would start to panic. Freeway driving was impossible. Cognitive therapy, specifically something called "exposure therapy", was monumentally helpful.
Coincidentally, a few days before Robin Williams death, I
called a psychologist and requested an appointment. I have been suffering from
ever-increasing symptoms of hypochondria. I wake up in the morning and whatever
negative physical sensation I happen to feel, I relate it to a serious illness,
which in turn sparks anxiety. I might wake up with a mild headache and deduce
that it is a brain tumor. As the day goes along I become hyper aware of other
virtually non-existent symptoms of illness which in turn continues to fuel the
anxiety. I might be sitting for an hour and when I stand up, a leg is asleep. I
will speculate that the brief numbness is the first symptom of multiple sclerosis. I go into a panic and though I never have, and perhaps never would, I once considered calling 911. If all of this sounds just plain weird, well, it sounds just plain
weird to me too. And I know something is psychologically wrong with such
thinking, which is why I made the call for help.
To put a positive spin on it; through personal experience and education, I know what anxiety is all about and the disorder itself does not have me worried. I have continued to do my regular daily activities and for the most part I have kept my sense of humor. My guess is that Robin Williams suffered from far more serious symptoms compared to what I go through, symptoms he felt he just could not defeat. A melancholy goodbye to Robin Williams.
