Tuesday, May 20, 2014

A Painful Month

Marty and I ended our relationship about a month ago. Until now I have not been willing to write that in this blog. In fact, I have not felt about writing anything in over a month. In March Marty became briefly ill and one of the possible diagnoses was a fatal disease. The actual affliction turned out to be something rather benign, but any time there is talk about fatal diseases, things get a little scary. I know that it effected me, and I was to soon find out that it effected Marty too.

Before the encounter with the illness, Marty and mentioned marriage. Almost immediately after the illness he began talking about marriage much more often. I probably knew months ago that it was inevitable that Marty would insist that we get married. I guess it was about four weeks ago that he stated that he had a desire to get married and start another family (he already has a daughter from a previous marriage). To put it simply; Marty formally proposed.

I thought about it long and hard for several days but I finally said that marriage was just something I did not want right now, and the idea of having children worked to solidify that decision. It was the most difficult decision I've ever had to make. Marty took it fairly well. I was, and still am crazy for him, but we wanted different things from life. He kind of half-jokingly said that what I really want from a guy is a permanent playmate. Marty was just being facetious, but I think there is some truth to what he said. I take a fairly lighthearted approach to life and at least for now I do not want a lot of responsibilities to weigh me down.

Anyway, we knew we could not continue our relationship. It makes things somewhat less painful that neither Marty, or I, unceremoniously dumped the other. There were no other men for me, or other women for Marty. We had tender feelings for each other all the way through, and to be honest, I still feel them. I am honored that Marty would want to have me as his wife and spend his life with me. It is a wonderful thing to be wanted like that, especially when the man is someone like Marty. I do not know if we can remain close friends. At this point, I am thinking that we probably cannot, which is unfortunate but to be expected. I do know that years from now Marty and I will think fondly of each other, and the months we spent together.

Being a nature-lover, I have been fortunate that it is spring and I can enjoy the outdoors during my favorite season of the year. It helps occupy my mind and it makes the departure of Marty a little less hurtful.