Kate Cluztiness

Sometimes my clutziness just amazes me. One time while I was watching a bird fly overhead, I walked right off a boardwalk that crossed a marsh. I fell flat into the gooey mud. I was not hurt but I did ruin a pair of binoculars. Due to my clutziness I have a lot of problems with exercise equipment. About a year ago I was walking on a treadmill. I had it set so the belt was moving fairly quickly and mimicking an uphill grade. Apparently I was concentrating too much on the TV in front of me and not enough on my walking because I took a stride that was a little too long and put my foot down on a stationary piece of plastic that was right in front of the moving belt. In a desperate effort to remain on my feet I made a couple of big kicks, like some out-of-control Radio City Rockette, but it was no use. I fell right on my butt on the moving treadmill belt. The speeding belt deposited me on the floor and then while I sat there stunned, it proceeded to lift one leg of my shorts, all but displaying some of my body’s personal equipment. Fortunately no one was right there in the immediate area to see it, although several members did witness the tumble from a distance away.

Late yesterday afternoon I visited the same fitness center. This time it was the elliptical that got me. I was again watching a TV when my left foot slid off one of one of the pedals. It is very difficult to remain upright while standing on just one pedal of a spinning elliptical. I failed to do it. I fell backwards and bounced off the plastic shell that covers the elliptical’s machinery. I ended up seated to the right of the machine, on the fitness center floor.

Even before I had climbed to my feet one of the fitness center employees had reached me. He was very concerned and serious-minded as he asked me if I was okay. I told him that my hip hurt a little and I felt a little discomfort in my right knee, but the overwhelming sensation was embarrassment. I was helped to a chair and given a cold bag to put on my knee, but I was pretty sure that the only thing really damaged was my pride. Still, out of all my ungraceful tumbles I have performed, the one I took yesterday was the only one that delivered actual physical pain. This morning my knee feels fine but I do have a nice bruise on my hip. I would estimate it to be about three inches in diameter.

As I was leaving the fitness center yesterday, the helpful fitness center employee said, “Keep an ice pack on that knee for at least another half hour; okay Kate?” Yes, he apparently looked up my identity among the membership files. He probably wanted to put on file a footnote that says simple “clutz”.