Crushes

I suffer from crushes and various heterosexual infatuations. I can be in the throes of a relationship and without any difficulty whatsoever I can get a crush on a second guy. I won’t act on it, of course, but I am very aware that the infatuation is there.

This whole thing with crushes began when I was six years old. I got a crush on Steve Cross who sat behind me in 1^st grade. At that age it is called puppy love, but it is in reality a crush. Steve was both smart and silly; a formula that, with a little updating, would attract me right up to this very minute. Back then I had no idea what a crush was about. I did not know that in less than ten years a crush would be at least partly due to sexual desires. But as a 1^st grader, I had no idea what sex was. I thought when a girl became a woman she had a baby as a normal part of her physical maturing. Hey, I was a little kid.     

When I was a teenager I would get crushes on guys who were smart, silly, and a bit rebellious. Rick Cline was example #1. I once heard Rick tell a joke. Not only that, I was told that despite his general insubordination, he was a good student. I knew that he rode a motorcycle and would often come to school late for no other reason that he was not into punctuality. How could I not have a crush on him? But as with most crushes, the object of my crush did not know I was alive. That infatuation came to a sudden end when I happened to hear Rick cuss without just cause. For some reason swearing, minus excruciating physical pain, has always been a turn-off.

Somewhere in my early 20s I noticed that the smartness that used to attract me had evolved into intelligence, the silliness that would appeal to me had become less pure silliness and more clever humor, and where I was once enticed by a guy’s rebelliousness, I was now enticed by a guy’s independent thinking.

I have always been attracted to older guys too. When I was 15 I would go gaga over 20 year-old college guys. I remember when I was in college I visited the Cornell Store several times just before Christmas to buy gifts. There was a male employee there who helped me each time. He was funny and personable, and probably at least 30. Just by chance we ran into each other just inside a little restaurant shortly after the Christmas holiday. We stood there and talked for about ten minutes. I would not let him say goodbye and walk away. I was definitely smitten. I would have gone back to his store and made a fool out of myself if I had had more courage.

All this comes to mind because yesterday I was at a park and ran across a man who was a dragonfly watcher (yes, there are such people). He was carrying binoculars, so I incorrectly assumed he was a birdwatcher. He had a fairly long discussion concerning dragonflies, butterflies, and other related subjects. The man spoke in this relaxed voice and was humorously self-effacing. After a time I realized that I was becoming more fascinated by the man than what he was saying. He had to have been in his mid-40s. If he were a regular visitor into my life I could almost see myself getting a crush on him.

It’s kind of scary. I’m either becoming depraved, getting older, or both.