A Constantly Changing Self-Image

Well, I was going to quickly throw a few thoughts into my blog sometime around lunchtime, but I got sidetracked by blog comments, and my responses to them. Who would have thought that an entry into my goofball blog would be the source of friendly controversy? But I did not forget my original thoughts that sent me to my blog in the first place, and it has to do with my self-image.

I have a self-image that changes very quickly. It can change a few times during the course of a day. I generally consider myself something of a dingbat. This “dingbat” analysis seems to be almost always there. It’s like the canvas underneath the more pronounced self-images I see.

A lot of the time I see myself as an ordinary working woman who is intelligent enough, has a good disposition, and a decent sense of humor. But I am certainly nothing fancy. If I were a constellation in the night sky, I would be the Little Dipper. I’d be an apple on a fruit stand, not an apricot or a mango, just an apple that is not too big, not too red, and not too shiny.  

However sometimes I see myself as a pretty, almost sophisticated woman. All I need is a long, slinky dress to be quite a babe. Just for added emphasis, the dress could have a mid-thigh leg split. When such thoughts are in my head I feel like I ought to be sipping a martini at some chic party, or on the arm of a handsome man walking the red carpet at a ritzy function of some kind. I can get this self-image following a good hair day and a bathroom scale that tells me I weigh less than 115 pounds.

Then there are those times when I see myself as a complete nerd. Those thoughts can come when I am out bird-watching, or worse, when I am crouching down looking for wood frogs or salamanders in a vernal pool out in the woods. I’d probably be dressed in baggy pants, clunky hiking boots, and a spectacularly dorky hat. The nerd image would hit me when I would look up from whatever was fascinating me and see a nice-looking guy on a nearby trail staring at me as if I were the dippy president of the high school biology club (which I wasn’t, by the way). Fortunately when this self-image comes to mind I am eventually able to giggle at myself… well, most of the time.

To be honest, there are times when my self-image is of a woman who is slightly lacking in morals. This comes from being raised a proper Christian who became a full-grown, healthy woman who has a desire to experience all the pleasures of life. This self-image of immorality would be embedded a whole lot deeper, and felt more often if I had not forsaken Christianity for atheism. But unfortunately, that fear of hell can still haunt me from time to time. It isn’t easy to completely free oneself of a religious indoctrination. It can affect my self-image even more than a bad hair day, or at least as much.