Going strictly on the title of this blog entry you might
think I was nervous about Thanksgiving; perhaps anxious about the consistency
of my mashed potatoes. But no, that’s not what the title means. I had an anxiety
attack at approximately 4:30 in the morning Thanksgiving Day. I am prone to
having them; anxiety attacks. I’ve had about a dozen of them over the years,
the first coming when I was a brand-new college freshman at Cornell.
For anyone who does not know what a full-blown anxiety
attack is like, well, it’s akin to spending anywhere from fifteen minutes to
perhaps a half hour trapped in a nightmare. I remember that first one I had. I
was completely unfamiliar with them. I wasn’t even sure I was having an anxiety
attack, or if it was a horrifying mental condition with no end in sight. This
might sound utterly crazy, but I thought to myself that if the terror did not
pass within some given amount of time -like a half hour or so- I was going to
kill myself, actually commit suicide. It was that awful.
The one good thing about my first anxiety attack is that I became familiar with them. I learned that as dreadful as they are, they will
pass eventually. Marty, my boyfriend, was sleeping with me on the occasion of
this latest attack. I quietly got out of bed, left the bedroom and closed the
door behind me. I went into my apartment’s main room, turned on the lights and
clicked on the TV with the sound down low. I was trying to occupy my mind best
I could until the nightmare passed. And like all my other anxiety attacks, it
did finally pass. I then turned off the lights and the TV, and went back to
bed. The next morning I told Marty that I spent a time during the middle of the
night suffering from an anxiety attack. I then described to him what they are
like. He asked me why I did not wake him. I told him very calmly that there was
no need; that I have learned to handle them on my own. Also, one thing I have
found that is worse than having a full-blown panic attack: having a full-blown
panic attack with someone there worriedly annoying me.
Amazing job describing a panic attack. I usually say it's like trying to describe an orgasm... if you've never had one you will *never* understand what it's like.
ReplyDeleteThe worst anxiety attack I ever had went on for about 45 minutes and kind of haunted my psyche for a few days afterwards. It probably changed my vital signs, if ever so slightly, for a day or so too. Not a lot of fun.
Delete